Wow. I just found my link to this blog that I had forgotten about. I am actually impressed with how I put my thoughts into words. I said what I am feeling inside well.
The bad news is, it's over 2 years later and I am still struggling. I have not lost weight or recovered good feelings about my body and/or self-image.
I'm wondering if it's impossible.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Monday, November 12, 2007
WHY?
I'm so mad at myself today that weight/body image/fat is such an issue with me! Why? I am intelligent, vivacious, loved....why do I care/worry/obsess so much about it????
I guess maybe because I've been there. I know how good it feels. How much better I feel physically, mentally, emotionally. I've tasted it.
And again....I feel like this isn't me. Or the best me. I admit: I feel embarrassed by how I look. I feel like I want everyone to know I can look better.
How do other women who aren't 'thin' not feel this way? Why can't I just enjoy life without my mind constantly rewinding to this part of the tape????!!!
I'm tired.
I guess maybe because I've been there. I know how good it feels. How much better I feel physically, mentally, emotionally. I've tasted it.
And again....I feel like this isn't me. Or the best me. I admit: I feel embarrassed by how I look. I feel like I want everyone to know I can look better.
How do other women who aren't 'thin' not feel this way? Why can't I just enjoy life without my mind constantly rewinding to this part of the tape????!!!
I'm tired.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
I'm not me
I was perusing the net, looking for articles to motivate me to exercise. *sigh* The ongoing battle. It wears me out. I'm so tired from constantly thinking, worrying, yes obsessing about my weight. And when I say weight, it's not the numbers....no, I don't even dare look at those! It's how I look. I'M NOT ME.
I'm not the person who I see in the mirror. And even more horrifying, in pictures! I AM NOT THAT GIRL! Who is that person? I don't like her; I'm not comfortable with her. She's not the fun-loving, sexual, intelligent girl I know inside of me. She is fat and uncomfortable and self-loathing. She is self-conscious and trying to cover up or alter some part of her body as it's looked at or photographed. That's not me. Or, at least it's not the me I used to be and the me I want to be.
I want to be un-self-conscious. I don't want to be thinking about my double chin when I smile in a photo. I don't want to be screaming inside "THIS ISN'T ME" when I meet someone for the first time. "I used to look much better! I used to look normal! I can be pretty!" I don't want to be thinking about what all the 'thin' or normal looking women are thinking when I'm in the group. I want to quit feeling the need to make self-deprecating jokes about my fatness to let everyone know that I know that I'm fat, lest they think I'm unaware of that fact. I want to feel free to participate in any activity, be it dancing, swimming, or even walking around the grocery store without feel like everyone is staring at me & my rolls.
I want to be comfortable. Comfortable in my own skin. Comfortable to laugh without thinking of my double chin. Comfortable in my jeans, without the roll of belly hanging over. Comfortable naked. I want to feel good, beautiful, free. Free to move, to laugh, to express myself without inhibition. Free to be myself without thinking about how I appear constantly.
I want to quit loathing myself most of all. I want the guilt to end. I want the anger at myself to end. I want the hatred of myself to end. I want to love me.....and I can only do that if I lose the fat. Or so it seems. I wish so much I could be one of those fat women who loves themselves, thinks they're great, and doesn't let it inhibit them at all. But I can't. I've tried, but this is not me.
I put things on hold when I'm fat. I lose interest in my clothes, in my hair, in doing things. It's all on hold until I get myself back. I don't want to go on living this way.
I'm tired; it's exhausting wrestling with myself all the time. I get up in the morning and immediately am mad at myself for not getting up early and exercising. Getting dressed I loathe myself and tell myself how awful it is that I have to wear this size, that my clothes are tight, that I look like this. When I'm at work or in public, I'm looking at the seemingly carefree, thin women and feeling so jealous, and like such a loser in comparison. When I make love with my husband, I am constantly aware of the rolls on my body and the placement of his hands. I am constantly thinking of what it would be like if I were thinner: how I would look, what he would think, how uninhibited I would be. The worst is when we are getting ready to go out. Horrible, horrible, horrible. Trying to dress up & look sexy to go out with my husband & friends, I feel such intense pressure. I try to show off my cleavage without exposing all my rolls or fat arms. Seemingly impossible. Endless trying-on of different outfits. Frustration, anger, guilt and loathing overwhelm me. My husband is the unfortunate recipient of my pain.
I think 24/7 about my body & my weight. As much as I've gone on about how I look being fat, it's also about health. I used to be a vegetarian, exercising daily, eating tons of fruits & vegetables, lifting weights, drinking lots of water, eating very little sugar & fat....doing all the thinks that modern nutritional science tells us protects our hearts & prevents cancer. All of the things that make you feel good, vibrant, healthy, energetic. So it's not all vanity. I also obsess about the health (or not) of my body and long for the days of not being winded by walking up a flight of stairs.
This 24/7 thinking, obsessing, worrying, guilting, loathing has got to stop. The only way I know is to do something about it. Something I've tried repeatedly for the past few years. I find some new idea to 'motivate' me & I try to get started and then fail after a short time. I'm not a fad dieter....I'm a perfectionist, who insists on doing it right, doing it healthy. It's all or nothing for me. Either hot fudge sundaes or apples. Pepsi or water. No in between. (Yes, I know I'm unbalanced.)
So, what's the inner girl to do? Reading yet another article about motivating self to diet/exercise, I came across the idea of blogging your diet. Well, maybe blogging my struggles and feelings on this matter would help. I would love to say that I'm doing this to help me feel at peace with myself. To quell the inner demons. Nope. I'm thinking: maybe this will help me DO IT! Maybe blogging to strangers will allow me to say out loud all the awful things going on inside my head, true. But I'm hoping that this will help my ultimate goal: losing the fat! If I commit myself to daily updating my blog, maybe it will motivate me to have something positive to put on it. Maybe I will feel like starting to chart my successes. Maybe this will be something I can look back on after the real me is here....the thin, carefree me......and read about how I used to be and how glad I am that I've changed. Maybe.
Maybe not. Maybe this will be yet another failed attempt at motivation.
I'm not the person who I see in the mirror. And even more horrifying, in pictures! I AM NOT THAT GIRL! Who is that person? I don't like her; I'm not comfortable with her. She's not the fun-loving, sexual, intelligent girl I know inside of me. She is fat and uncomfortable and self-loathing. She is self-conscious and trying to cover up or alter some part of her body as it's looked at or photographed. That's not me. Or, at least it's not the me I used to be and the me I want to be.
I want to be un-self-conscious. I don't want to be thinking about my double chin when I smile in a photo. I don't want to be screaming inside "THIS ISN'T ME" when I meet someone for the first time. "I used to look much better! I used to look normal! I can be pretty!" I don't want to be thinking about what all the 'thin' or normal looking women are thinking when I'm in the group. I want to quit feeling the need to make self-deprecating jokes about my fatness to let everyone know that I know that I'm fat, lest they think I'm unaware of that fact. I want to feel free to participate in any activity, be it dancing, swimming, or even walking around the grocery store without feel like everyone is staring at me & my rolls.
I want to be comfortable. Comfortable in my own skin. Comfortable to laugh without thinking of my double chin. Comfortable in my jeans, without the roll of belly hanging over. Comfortable naked. I want to feel good, beautiful, free. Free to move, to laugh, to express myself without inhibition. Free to be myself without thinking about how I appear constantly.
I want to quit loathing myself most of all. I want the guilt to end. I want the anger at myself to end. I want the hatred of myself to end. I want to love me.....and I can only do that if I lose the fat. Or so it seems. I wish so much I could be one of those fat women who loves themselves, thinks they're great, and doesn't let it inhibit them at all. But I can't. I've tried, but this is not me.
I put things on hold when I'm fat. I lose interest in my clothes, in my hair, in doing things. It's all on hold until I get myself back. I don't want to go on living this way.
I'm tired; it's exhausting wrestling with myself all the time. I get up in the morning and immediately am mad at myself for not getting up early and exercising. Getting dressed I loathe myself and tell myself how awful it is that I have to wear this size, that my clothes are tight, that I look like this. When I'm at work or in public, I'm looking at the seemingly carefree, thin women and feeling so jealous, and like such a loser in comparison. When I make love with my husband, I am constantly aware of the rolls on my body and the placement of his hands. I am constantly thinking of what it would be like if I were thinner: how I would look, what he would think, how uninhibited I would be. The worst is when we are getting ready to go out. Horrible, horrible, horrible. Trying to dress up & look sexy to go out with my husband & friends, I feel such intense pressure. I try to show off my cleavage without exposing all my rolls or fat arms. Seemingly impossible. Endless trying-on of different outfits. Frustration, anger, guilt and loathing overwhelm me. My husband is the unfortunate recipient of my pain.
I think 24/7 about my body & my weight. As much as I've gone on about how I look being fat, it's also about health. I used to be a vegetarian, exercising daily, eating tons of fruits & vegetables, lifting weights, drinking lots of water, eating very little sugar & fat....doing all the thinks that modern nutritional science tells us protects our hearts & prevents cancer. All of the things that make you feel good, vibrant, healthy, energetic. So it's not all vanity. I also obsess about the health (or not) of my body and long for the days of not being winded by walking up a flight of stairs.
This 24/7 thinking, obsessing, worrying, guilting, loathing has got to stop. The only way I know is to do something about it. Something I've tried repeatedly for the past few years. I find some new idea to 'motivate' me & I try to get started and then fail after a short time. I'm not a fad dieter....I'm a perfectionist, who insists on doing it right, doing it healthy. It's all or nothing for me. Either hot fudge sundaes or apples. Pepsi or water. No in between. (Yes, I know I'm unbalanced.)
So, what's the inner girl to do? Reading yet another article about motivating self to diet/exercise, I came across the idea of blogging your diet. Well, maybe blogging my struggles and feelings on this matter would help. I would love to say that I'm doing this to help me feel at peace with myself. To quell the inner demons. Nope. I'm thinking: maybe this will help me DO IT! Maybe blogging to strangers will allow me to say out loud all the awful things going on inside my head, true. But I'm hoping that this will help my ultimate goal: losing the fat! If I commit myself to daily updating my blog, maybe it will motivate me to have something positive to put on it. Maybe I will feel like starting to chart my successes. Maybe this will be something I can look back on after the real me is here....the thin, carefree me......and read about how I used to be and how glad I am that I've changed. Maybe.
Maybe not. Maybe this will be yet another failed attempt at motivation.
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